Surviving...10 years later

Without realizing it, life is moving right along for everyone, regardless of the season we're in.  Some are happy while others are sad.  Some are financially stable while others are struggling.  Some are in love while others are heartbroken.  Some are fighting for their lives while others are carefree about theirs.  The ebbs and flows of life are constant, so if it's good, enjoy it.  And, if it's not so good, just know, this too shall pass.  It's hard to believe it has been 10 years...

One day, out of nowhere, BAM - a phone call changed my life.  That blow literally knocked me to my knees.  It felt like I was climbing out from under the rubble as I tried to stand up because the weight of the realization in that moment was more than I could bear; I had to begin a new life all over again at the age of 34.  It was Saturday April 25, 2009; another date in my life that I will never forget.  It was literally 2 weeks before my college graduation day.  I'm just grateful that I had already completed all of my classes because I don't know if I would've been able to finish under that kind of stress.  Even though my heart was shattered in a million pieces, I showed up to my graduation with my kids and I was so happy they got to witness me receive my Bachelors degree.  That was the proudest, saddest and scariest day of my life.  Proud that I earned my degree, sad because there was no "him" and scared because I was now the head of my household.  I didn't know how I was going to manage, but the show had to go on.  I had to go to work to earn my paycheck, feed my kids, make sure they were emotionally stable during this process as well as myself, care for the dog, maintain the house & yard work, all without losing my mind in the process.  I remember one specific morning, I was beyond exhausted, but would not call out of work.  I simply decided to sleep in and go in later that morning.  When my son was leaving for school, he came in my room to give me a kiss and he asked me "are you going to work today?"  I answered "yes, why?" and he said "oh good because you're the only one that makes money in this house!"  Talk about pressure and sad that he even had to think that way.  Needless to say, I pushed so hard from that day forward because I knew my kids were watching me and I thank God for their resilience because it made life a whole lot easier.

I believe the past 10 years have been my greatest years because I was forcefully given the time to find and love myself; the greatest and most painful opportunity of my life.  I like to think I took advantage of these years as best as I could and I have tried my best to smile through it all.  I'm sure that broken heart allowed me to shed enough tears to last a lifetime and even though it's been 10 years, I still have my moments of sadness.  Most days are smooth sailing since it's been so long and I just push through those moments as best as I can when it does seem difficult.  God has revealed so much to me about myself through the years; I really am so much stronger than I ever realized.  The singer Pink has a song and there is a line that says "I wouldn't trade the pain for everything I've learned".  That is the honest truth.  I would have never met this new woman if it weren't for that life changing event.  Not everything that happens to us is bad; it just redirects our path and hopefully for something greater than we ever imagined.  It just doesn't seem that way when you're living it.

People are shocked that I am still single and I dislike when people ask me if I have a man.  Does it really matter?!  Being single is not the end of the world and I believe people could certainly benefit from "me time" if they allowed themselves to.  I apply the 80/20 rule with being single.  Although difficult at times, it does have its benefits - the 80% - I don't have to worry about anyone but myself, especially now that my kids are grown and on their own.  But, there are those moments - the 20% - that seem to come more often than not lately, where I just want to cry because I am just tired.  Tired of doing everything on my own and financially, it can be tough sometimes, but I am cognizant of my many blessings and try not to complain.

I'm not too fond of dating or whatever it is people do these days.  I don't do dating websites and I don't go out too often, which is probably why I'm still single, but oh well.  I have friends that have introduced me to their guy friends and I'm open to it, but it just hasn't worked out for me.  This part of my life tugs at my heart the most.  Is there someone for me?  I am very selective because I can be.  I've been given a second chance and want to make the best decision possible when it comes to my life and future.  The desire for companionship is strong and everyone tells me "you're going to find someone" and I believe it will happen when the time is right.  So for now, I am enjoying my life and everyone that crosses my path.  I view each person as an opportunity to learn from because everyone has something so unique and beautiful about themselves to share and that is what I enjoy most.  Everyone has a story to tell!  I also learned that not everyone is for you and some people we simply have to let go of and just love from a distance; another invaluable lesson.  But, I'm learning and a continued work in progress.

Surviving 10 years later is what I'm doing; traveling as often as possible and just living my best life.  Since there is no time limit on when things have to happen, I will continue to live and enjoy this season of my life because it really has been a blessing.  And if there is a man out there for me, then each day is a day closer to him finding me. And if I'm meant to remain single, then may I learn to fully accept this life as is and be the happiest me I can be.  Time will tell, but I will survive.