Note to Self

Dear JQ,

Girl, please don't be so hard on yourself.  Take a deep breath and look at all you've been through and have overcome.  These are mere stepping stones and pebbles in the road you're facing right now.  Hold on and have faith that everything is aligning for you, even as you type this.

This past decade has shown you just how strong you are and that you can stand on your own two feet.  And even though you may not be where you want to be, learn to accept this season for what it is because it is just a season and season's change.  Remember years ago when you were married and you complained because you didn't get enough "me time" due to having a husband and kids to care for?  Well, you got your wish, but you must also be careful what you speak because words have power!  This season has offered you all the "me time" anyone could ask for, so enjoy it and continue to use it to your advantage.

Don't let how other people treat you change who you are.  You are a beautiful, kind, loving, and caring woman.  Your past did not break you so no need to try to break anyone else.  Remember, hurting people, hurt people.  You are in a much better place mentally and emotionally.  Continue to share all of your love with the world and let them know who you are despite all of the adversity you have faced in your life. You are not your past or your mistakes; please do not ever forget that.

Heartache is inevitable and we will all cross that bridge at some point in our lives. You have learned that with each man you had hopes for, the heartache has been easier to handle because you're stronger and wiser now and life's lessons have proven to be invaluable.  You just need to know when enough is enough and let go without looking back.  I'm not judging you, just reminding you, because I love you.  Now, keep loving and don't hold back or do it with limitations.  As I told you earlier, heartache is inevitable and there is a chance you will get hurt, but when you love, you also take a risk.  Love is a beautiful thing and you love freely which is so gracious of you.  In this life, we should always choose love, so keep loving!

Some food for thought, pay attention to the folks that think of you in the good and the bad.  To the folks that include you, that make time for you, that show they care.  Keep your circle small and worthy of someone like yourself.  You have so much to offer so be wise with the company you keep.  Always remember these words...

"Those that want to, make a way.  Those that don't want to, make an excuse." 

You will have very good days and you will have days where you want to cry because you miss someone or you're tired of being single or mad at the world, etc,.  In those moments, just stop and breathe, go for a walk, or pray, but allow yourself to feel whatever emotion it is you're feeling.  You are human and are entitled to your feelings because they are valid.  However, you will need to pick yourself up and remind yourself that you are worthy and better than what is behind you.  Chin up and keep moving forward even if it's with tears in your eyes. 

By the way, I am so proud of how you care for yourself.  You eat healthier and exercise regularly; keep putting yourself first!  Always remember, the days when you don't feel like it, are probably the days you need it most, so keep pushing forward.  Keep setting goals to hold yourself accountable; you'll thank yourself later.  Make the time now and let's pray that your latter years reward you. Keep doing all of the things that you love and make you happy; don't waste time being sad or uncertain about anything.  Follow your gut instinct; it's usually right.  I pray the path opens up for you and that your career takes a turn for the better.  You deserve to be appreciated in every aspect of life, so go get yours! And that dream of writing a book...it's time!

Here's to a prosperous new decade for you, your family, and anyone who chooses to join you in love.  Unfortunately, you will have to leave a few people behind in this upcoming season of life.  You have to know, if they wanted to be with you, they would make it happen.  All others are just making excuses and wasting your time; let them go.  They'll see your growth later, trust me!

I love you, JQ and I am so proud of you! Do you and just be happy.

Love, 
JQ






   

#nodaysoff

I typically do my own manicure and pedicure because I always seem to get someone who butchers my cuticles and they always make me bleed.  Plus, I am very frugal with my money.  On Saturday afternoon, I began removing my nail polish, but I was exhausted and realized I did not have the energy to work on my hands and feet.  A kind friend of mine offered to pay to pamper me, so I went ahead and took advantage of his kind gesture (I'm learning to accept gifts - this is very difficult for me for some strange reason).  When I arrived at the nail salon, I signed in and they took me back right away.  Then a beautiful young lady named Celine pulled up a chair and began small talk while my feet soaked.  She complimented my skin and asked what products I use; I don't use any.  Good genes I guess!  She asked about the holidays and I was honest with her, I don't like the holidays.  Sadly, they are still very difficult for me.  I just take it one day at a time.  Most days are good, but I still have my moments and if you're thinking "it's been so long" yes it has been and excuse me for being human.  Celine must've sensed something and I noticed she became very focused on my words so I tried to choose them wisely because I did not want to speak negatively about anyone.  Either way, I shared a little bit about my life and sadly, she was able to relate which hurt me.  A single mom with 2 kids just trying to make ends meet and the distance from family, etc. All in all, it was a beautiful conversation and in the end she asked if we could stay in touch.  I was humbled and honored by her kind gesture and I thank God that my friend offered to help me which sent me to the salon to meet Celine.  Moral of this piece of my blog; don't block your blessings.  When someone offers to help you, take it!  Then pay it forward however you can!


On Saturday night, I was hanging out with my girlfriends and I literally told them that I was tired.  Tired of doing everything on my own and how I've been praying for God to send me a helpmate, someone who will be willing to do life with me.  Single living is great and being strong and independent is awesome, but if I am completely honest, it can be exhausting!  My full time job requires me to be a decision maker; analyze and find root causes and make recommendations to resolve the issues.  It is tedious work, but they look to me to find and fix issues and this can be mentally taxing.  Ironically, Sunday morning came and I went to church and man did my Pastor have a word for me!  The title of his sermon was No Days Off and you guessed it, it was about us being tired because we're doing too much.  I love to exercise to release my emotions and increase my endorphins - it really works in case you're wondering.  I try to workout at least 5 days a week in addition to my full time job, maintain my home, my mental sanity, pay my bills, have a social life, etc.  When I tell you I am tired, I mean, I am exhausted that it hurts.  This past summer, after 10 years, I finally decided to pay someone to handle my yard work for me because I just didn't have it in me to be out there in the heat mowing and raking.  I am not old by any means, but not having help is taking its toll on me.  Anyway, my pastor dropped so much wisdom on us and I took away some nuggets:

Your job doesn't care about you so it's your responsibility to take care of YOU!  I knew this, but to hear him say it was the reminder I needed.  I definitely need to take more time off from work.

Love your family and make time for them!  He said he doesn't answer calls or texts on his day off and spends quality time with his wife and son.  I think I might need to consider disconnecting from the world myself.

If you work with your mind, relax with your hands and if you work with your hands, relax with your mind!  Read that again.  My job is so mentally taxing, I guess that's why I love the gym so much.  Body pump and spin class are awesome, but my true love is running.  The pavement just does something for me.

As the years go by, I keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other with no days off, but God is good and I trust Him even though it seems like it's taking forever for something to happen. But I know God has not forgotten about me and His words give me life...

Galatians 6:9
Let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.


Lord, I will not give up, but I am tired...

I am a sexual assault SURVIVOR!

September 8, 1989...It's hard to believe that it's been 30 years since I lived through that dreadful day.  Life has been everything you can imagine since then, but the main thing is...I SURVIVED!

Below is a post I shared on Facebook last year; 29 years after my assault.  It's difficult to explain how a persons life is impacted by such a despicable act because it is impacted in ways you would never imagine. But with strength, perseverance, and the grace of God, life does go on!  Sharing my story is my therapy and I don't mind speaking my truth.  I know I helped a few women the very day I posted my story because they reached out to me privately telling me they never told anyone, but thankfully they felt comfortable enough to reach out to me.  The joy I felt in knowing that my brutal and painful honesty helped someone speak their truth for the first time is immeasurable.  What makes me sad is that they had to live with that secret all this time.  That leads me to wonder, how many other women (and men) are walking around with such dark, painful secrets?!

A 14 year old girl is walking home from her 1st day of high school. A stranger pulls up to the curb and asks politely “excuse me, what time is it?” she replies “it’s 2:30” and he replies with “I have a gun get in the car”. She panics, freezes and gets in the car. He takes her to a park and makes her perform oral sex on him. That’s not enough, so he takes her to a hotel nearby. For the next few hours he holds her captive and forces her to perform sexual acts on him and he doesn’t use a condom either. Once he’s satisfied, he drives her home, but drives past her house to make sure he knows where she lives because he warns her not to tell anyone. 

She gets home and tells her family. The police are called and paramedics arrive. She is taken to the hospital for an evaluation and has her first gynecological exam. Several doctors walking in and out and she has to repeat her story over and over and over again. She’s finally released and goes home. The next morning she wakes up vomiting and her cycle begins, but she’s home safe and she’s not pregnant.

Investigators begin calling each day for information. She goes in to meet with them and the first thing they question her about is “do you know him?" “Do you have history with him?" But she’s never seen him before. Then they ask her parents “is she a liar?" She feels so humiliated and ANGRY! They leave after it’s over. 

The rapist is caught and arrested; time to prepare for the grand jury. An ADA is assigned, more questions, same answers. The grand jury asks questions and she answers. They have enough evidence and determine this case should go to trial. 

2 long years later, she’s now 16 years old and a trial date is set; again, first day of school. However, there was no sleep the night before. She is terrified. Sick. Anxious. She makes it to the courthouse with her family for support, but she waits in another room, away from everyone. Her body is trembling, she has never been so nervous in all her life. She is about to tell her horror story to a bunch of strangers while sitting in front of her rapist, seeing him again for the first time since the assault.  

Questions come one after the other by both attorneys. She answers them all staring straight ahead while trying to hide behind the judge’s desk to avoid eye contact with him. Then, the one question she dreaded is asked “is the offender in this room today?" She answers “yes” and leans over, points to him, and stares him in the eye, but he turns away. After a few days, he is found guilty! Turns out, he assaulted 3-4 other ladies and they came forward after this young lady came forward. Never did she realize it, but she put an end to his sickness of raping women. It only takes one person to come forward, to put an end to a rapist and that brave young lady did it. 

Life continued for her, but she was never the same...

Ladies and gentleman, this is what I lived through!  I know this affected my family, but how deep, I will never know.  This was not something we ever talked about and even today, it's like walking on eggshells.  I don't mind talking about it, especially if I know it will help someone.  What I do dislike very much, is when I have shared my story and people ask me "why did you get in the car?"  Please know, I suffered the consequence of not fighting back or screaming for help.  I was 14 years old, terrified and shocked at was actually happening.  I can't turn back the hands of time or change anything about that day, but I am grateful that I am here to share my survivor story.  I have learned to just channel that pain into something positive to share with anyone who chooses to listen.  It's all a part of my healing, my journey and perhaps that is God's answer to my question "why did this have to happen to me?"   

Today, 30 years later, I am a very happy woman.  I have had to endure much in life, but I honestly would not change a thing.  Every knock down has afforded me the opportunity to stand back up stronger than the previous time.  When I share my story I often get "I would have never known that happened to you" or something along those lines.  I am beyond grateful for the people that loved and supported me during those difficult years.  I know that is why I was able to get through it all and live a normal life.  However, the affects of that assault are permanent scars I live with and when my instinct tells me something is not right, I have learned to react quickly.  It's weird, my heart races, my palms get sweaty, and my stomach hurts in a way I can't describe.  It's a horrifying, nauseating feeling that reminds me of that nightmare I lived through.  Is it my mind playing tricks on me?  I don't think so, but I listen to my senses and act accordingly as fast as I can.  I don't know if I could live through another assault and I pray for God's protection over me EVERY SINGLE DAY!    

Just recently, people have been telling me that I'm glowing or that I look happy.  After all I've lived through, it's nice that people see something positive when they see me.  Life is good and I am making a conscious decision to stay in good head space.  As the image above states, "You've mastered survival mode.  Now it's time to live."  People are dying every day and yes, my day will come too.  But today, I am here feeling young and vibrant!  I want to enjoy my adult kids and of course my grandchildren.  The joy they bring me is indescribable and I love them all dearly.  I'm grateful I don't dwell on the past, but rather focus on the present moments and make beautiful memories while I can. However, at this time of year, seeing all of the first day of school pictures everyone shares, does take me back to that day.  I bounce back quicker every year and realize it's just a passing moment.  I'm human and I allow myself to feel whatever emotion may come to get myself through it.  Sometimes I cry, sometime I don't.     

 "You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them." Maya Angelou

I'm hopeful that after sharing my story, this would encourage at least one woman.  May you no longer blame yourself.  May this free you from any guilt you still carry because life is precious and very short and may you realize this was not your fault and you are worthy of a life worth living... 

                                            #jqblogs #jqlives #jqisasurvivor

Stepping out of my comfort zone!

It started out as a regular Tuesday.  It was an "in office" day so I decided to go out for a run to get my day started.  Came home, showered, ate breakfast and left for work.  Sadly, I got some not so good news once I arrived; it seems I can't win, but I won't let it stop me.  I decided in that moment I would not allow that news to get me down.  I'm tired of allowing circumstances to dictate how I should feel.  Instead, I worked through my day with a smile, keeping to myself as usual and ended the day talking about my trip to Barbados and laughing up a storm with a dear friend and co-worker.

As I was leaving work, instead of going West on I-26, I decided I would go East and head downtown for dinner.  I've read good reviews of a place called Cane Rhum Bar and it truly lived up to those reviews!  First, I had to parallel park and I got in, in one shot!!  Haha, that's huge for me since I never have to parallel park.  Once inside, I decided to sit at the bar.  If you know me, you would know, this is totally outside of my norm, but a friend recently told me, if you want to meet new people, you've got to step outside of your comfort zone and try new things.  And today, I did just that.  

The bartenders were extremely friendly and very welcoming since it was my first time.  I ordered the Rum Punch and Beef Empanadas which were spicy, but delicious.  It reminded me of the Bajan food I ate just a few weeks ago.  The owner is Bajan which is what inspired this Rum Bar and of course what caught my attention to visit.

The vibe, music and overall atmosphere was everything I needed tonight.  I'm so glad I made the choice not only to be happy enjoying my own company, but to step out of my comfort zone as well.  After a few minutes, a gentleman by the name of Derrick sat next to me.  He was friendly and he knew one of the bartenders, Amita.  We talked for a good while about the bar and other places in town.  I learned a lot in such a short period of time about other establishments to visit.  The conversation got so interesting, another bartender came over and poured us all some shots and I believe he called it the "pink velvet."  Needless to say, I took a sip, but wouldn't dare finish it.  Although it was tasty, it was also fire down my throat!  All the guys enjoyed their shot, but I just watched, smiled and enjoyed the moment.  

I also met a couple from Ohio who visits the Charleston area often.  They're considering retiring here and said they love to visit the Cane Rhum Bar when in town.  Her drink for the evening was the Pain Killer, which looked delicious.  Next time I go, that will be the drink I order!  That conversation was interesting and jumped all over the place.  I ended up sharing photos of my grand babies and she turned out to be a twin herself! It was so nice meeting new friendly faces and talking about such random things.  I actually felt like a tourist in my own city for 90 minutes; that's how much time I had on my meter!  Once time was up, the bartenders all said goodnight and Amita, told me where to be Sunday evening.  I hope to check that place out and see what it's all about.  With all of that said, I'm choosing to simply live a life worth living!  

My message to you...step outside of your comfort zone and don't be afraid to try new things and meet new people.  I've spent too many days and nights upset, scared, and doubtful, but I'm making a conscious decision to be happy regardless of what's going on around me.  Life is too short and I don't want any regrets.  So, live and find your happy place...you never know who you'll meet or what you'll learn in the process.

#jqblogs

Barbados 2019

One day, Monique asked me if I wanted to go for a run after work and I figured sure, why not!  Albeit shy, I am a talker when I'm comfortable with someone.  I mentioned that I wanted to go on a vacation, but needed a travel buddy.  Little did I know, that day would be the start of planning this Caribbean vacation.  Folks, don't pass up invites from your friends; you never know what will come of that outing 😉 It all happened so fast!  We discussed our budget, selected a few islands and I began the search to see which would best meet our criteria.  Before I knew it, we selected Barbados, booked the flights and hotel and just had to wait for July 29th to arrive!

When I tell you this was the most fun-filled, yet relaxing vacation I've taken, it's almost indescribable.  The best part, of course, was eating and drinking to our hearts content.  I believe I was intoxicated for 5 days, no lie and diets were out the window because we knew upon arrival back to the US, it was back to training mode for our upcoming race season!  While I cannot write about every detail of our 5 days on the island, I will try my best to highlight what I thought were the best parts...here we go!

While we waited for our room to be ready, we took full advantage of the "all inclusive" package.  Rum Punch was quite strong, but we didn't care, we were on vacation!  The beach was so beautiful so we took advantage of the moment and began capturing our memories.

The view from our hotel balcony was breathtaking!  As soon as we walked into the room we were in awe of the beauty outside of those doors!  The sounds of the waves crashing was so peaceful and soothing.  I woke up early one morning and just sat out there admiring the beauty and acknowledging my blessing; it was magical!

Pebbles Beach is where you can find the race horses bathing in the ocean at sunrise.  They say the salt water is very good for their muscles.  The horses were beautiful as they arrived one by one.  The horse handlers were all so friendly as a few bystanders watched and waited for photo opportunities.  It was a very tranquil experience and I highly recommend it.  Our cab driver, Anderson laughed at us.  He said he never heard of anyone waking up so early to see horses.  I didn't care, I was determined to take advantage of everything during my stay.

Friends just enjoying and celebrating life and capturing the beauty in the moments...

The Hobie was awesome and included as part of our hotels water activities.  It was so much fun, we did it twice!  It's amazing how some wind and a piece of material and plastic can be turned into something so enjoyable.  So glad we decided to go out for a ride on the clear blue waters because the knowledge this man dropped on us as we sailed is something I will not forget.  He was real, genuine and very kind hearted.

The Mount Gay Rum Tour was awesome!  We purchased tickets on Trip Advisor a week prior to leaving for our trip, but failed to call for tour times.  Fortunately, our cab driver friend Anderson phoned us about the last tour leaving at 2:30pm, but it was 2:10 and we were still getting ready and our hotel was 30 minutes away!  Monique quickly called the Mount Gay distillery and told them what happened and they said to come over and we would just join the tour where they were and that is exactly what happened.  We arrived as she was serving the first round of Rum shots!  At the end of the tour, this beautiful young lady pictured above, took us through the tour in reverse so we didn't miss a thing, including more alcohol!  This tour was only $20 per person and worth it.  So, if you visit the island, make sure you visit the Mount Gay Rum distillery.  I promise you, you will leave there feeling wonderful!!  Thankfully, I didn't embarrass Monique or myself.

The Catamaran snorkel cruise is a must!  It's a 5 hour cruise up the coast and includes hotel pick up and drop off, lunch and unlimited alcohol for $85 per person.  There is also a limited number of people per sailing for a more intimate adventure.  The crew was made up of 2 gentleman and they were funny and very attentive.  Fortunately, the weather was absolutely perfect for sailing all day long.  Our first stop was swimming with the sea turtles!  There were only 2 turtles swimming around us, but they were absolutely beautiful and harmless.  The next stop was further up the coast to see the ship wreck and coral reef.  It's amazing how beautiful coral reef is and all the different color fish that live in the ocean were just mesmerizing.  After lunch, we dropped anchor, swam to shore and saw some flying fish while making new friends; a few from Bermuda and others from Australia.  Once we swam back to the catamaran, we grabbed some beers and everyone sat together enjoying the ride back while listening to reggae music along the way.   This is why I love to travel the world; you are exposed to all different walks of life.

As pavement sisters, we had to be sure we ran the streets of Barbados and 3 miles were done!  It was HOT, but we got it done on the St. Lawrence Gap!

We purchased an island tour and it was another 5 hour day, but it brought us here and pictures do not do it justice.  This is the northern most point of the island and the view was unlike anything I've ever seen.  We walked around and took in the moment and the beauty of the island.

You have to visit the island for yourself to truly appreciate the beauty of Barbados...

The sunsets were absolutely amazing and we made sure to enjoy every minute of every day on our girls trip to Barbados!!!  The people were absolutely wonderful and the food was delicious, lots of curry.  Barbados owes me nothing!!  And, I am truly grateful to have been able to take this trip with such a dear friend.  There are no words to describe how grateful I am that you joined me, Monique.

Until the next adventure.....#jqtravels

Give yourself some credit!

Why are we so hard on ourselves?  Please stop, look at how far you've come and give yourself the credit you deserve!

I am 44 years old.  I survived a sexual assault when I was 14.  My weight peaked in my mid 20's to a whopping 230 pounds.  I lost 80 pounds as a result of a lifestyle change.  I survived a divorced and earned my Bachelor's degree at the age of 34.  I have survived as a single woman for the past 10 years and have grown through everything that life has thrown at me.  I am standing strong when people thought I would never get back up. 

When I tell you my life has not been easy, trust me, it has been extremely difficult.  I guess I just adjusted to the twists and turns that have come my way.  This is my life, my journey and God certainly has a lot of faith in me.  As they say, He knows best!

As I was driving home from the gym the other night, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  The "it"  was a sense of pride, accomplishment and satisfaction...THIS IS MY LIFE!  I was driving my own car that is paid for, leaving the gym after a great workout and headed home to my own house.  Sweet Jesus, I am so blessed and yet I look in the mirror some days and don't like this or that.  Or, I admire other people and their relationships/marriages.  I admire people's new cars and vacations pictures and sometimes think "what about me?"  I am speaking to myself when I say "girlfriend, wake up!"  I have had to snap myself out of the little mental pity parties I throw for myself, but thank God I don't live in that head space as often as I once did.  I have got to give myself more credit for the life I have been able to build after all the crap I've endured.  I remained focused and my trials have humbled me.  Yes, I have made mistakes and continue to do so when it comes to dating, but I'm human and realize that will take time and unfortunately, heartbreak is a part of the process. But, it will be worth the journey as well.  

I could've gone out for happy hour last night, instead I decided to go shopping for summer clothes and enjoy the evening at the outlets. I tried on clothes, shoes, and shades in several stores and left with one bag of goodies for myself.  But, I shopped at my leisure and enjoyed my own company.  Then, I sat at my dining room table, blogging while sipping on a Smirnoff Ice Margarita flavor which by the way, was pretty good.  I guess when you focus on what you don't have, life can seem unfair.  But when you flip your thinking and count your blessings and say them out loud, you will realize that you are so blessed and fortunate.

As the meme states, "growth is a process" and it can be painful at times too.  Oh the tears I have cried, but it has been cleansing and that is where my growth has taken place.  Keep pushing through, one foot in front of the other and please don't give up.  The Bible even tells us in Galations 6:9 "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."  I have endured enough pain to last me a lifetime, yet I still rise and conquer each day even though I may not always have the most positive outlook on certain circumstances, but I am learning and trying my best to be more optimistic about everything; especially this phase of my life.  Please stop and give yourself the credit you deserve.  After all, you are doing the best you can with the life you've been given.  And if you're not, begin to re-evaluate your choices and do better for yourself.  Change and growth begins with you!

This picture is my constant reminder of the unhappy woman I used to be.  Through many trials, JQ emerged and thankfully through it all, I found her and learned to love her.  Grateful...is an understatement!!  

Remember, you do not just wake up and become the butterfly...

 - Growth is a process  

Clap for yourself!

I've been blogging for years, I just never shared my writing with anyone for several reasons, but the main reason was being judged and criticized.  Then I realized, that's going to happen no matter what I do or don't do, so I took a step forward and created new blogs that interested me enough to share publicly.  Since publishing and sharing my blogs in January 2019, I've been asked some interesting questions and here are my answers.

Q: How did you get into blogging?
A: I never enjoyed reading as a child because I struggled with comprehension and my attention span also would not allow me to sit and enjoy a book, especially if the topic did not interest me.  But, as I grew older, I realized the value of reading and how it opens your mind to learning.  It also meant someone had to write something for people to read.  Then, I began to wonder how people came to write a book; it still fascinates me and that was when I began blogging.  It was more of an electronic journal for me, but I realized how therapeutic it was to jot down my thoughts and feelings so I have kept going and now I share my new blogs because I'm trying something new; open and outward expression!

Q: Why do you write about the same stuff all the time?
A: I write about what I choose to write about as it comes to me on any given day or event.  My blog entries are meant to share intimate thoughts, feelings or randomness about running, traveling, life, etc.  I do have 2 separate blog pages; one about running and race adventures and the other is about life's moments.  Why?  Because it interests me.  If people choose to read them, I am grateful.  If they don't, it's ok too.  Not every book written is read by every person.  We're all different and I realize our interests are different as well.

Q: Do you consider yourself a writer?
A: I never thought of myself as a writer, but I guess we are all writers of our own stories whether we type it or speak it and we write daily even though it may not be published.  

Q: Are you getting paid to blog?
A: Nope.  I am blogging because I have enjoyed my writing journey so much and I'm ready to share it with whomever wishes to read.  I figured, if others can do it, so can I!  Now, if I choose to include "Ads" into my blogs to get paid for people visiting and reading my entries, that is my choice.  But as of now, that is not the purpose for my blogging. 

These questions have led me to believe that I am on the right path by stepping out and following my heart.  Not everyone is going to understand my passion or support it and it's ok.  Often times, people make decisions or do not pursue a passion based on what other people have to say.  I was one of those people for a long time!  But, there is nothing wrong with finding a passion and pursuing it.  I'm not hurting anyone; I am simply writing and sharing.  I have no idea where this could lead me or what is to come from this, but right now it makes me happy.  If anything, I hope someday, one of my blogs can put a smile on someone's face.  May it allow someone to burst into uncontrollable laughter, allow someone else to release toxic tears and may it inspire and illuminate a heart and soul in such a way that they make a positive change in their life and realize their worth.  

Life is short and passing us by so quickly.  Follow your heart, follow your passion to greatness, and clap for yourself if you must!  

  

Surviving...10 years later

Without realizing it, life is moving right along for everyone, regardless of the season we're in.  Some are happy while others are sad.  Some are financially stable while others are struggling.  Some are in love while others are heartbroken.  Some are fighting for their lives while others are carefree about theirs.  The ebbs and flows of life are constant, so if it's good, enjoy it.  And, if it's not so good, just know, this too shall pass.  It's hard to believe it has been 10 years...

One day, out of nowhere, BAM - a phone call changed my life.  That blow literally knocked me to my knees.  It felt like I was climbing out from under the rubble as I tried to stand up because the weight of the realization in that moment was more than I could bear; I had to begin a new life all over again at the age of 34.  It was Saturday April 25, 2009; another date in my life that I will never forget.  It was literally 2 weeks before my college graduation day.  I'm just grateful that I had already completed all of my classes because I don't know if I would've been able to finish under that kind of stress.  Even though my heart was shattered in a million pieces, I showed up to my graduation with my kids and I was so happy they got to witness me receive my Bachelors degree.  That was the proudest, saddest and scariest day of my life.  Proud that I earned my degree, sad because there was no "him" and scared because I was now the head of my household.  I didn't know how I was going to manage, but the show had to go on.  I had to go to work to earn my paycheck, feed my kids, make sure they were emotionally stable during this process as well as myself, care for the dog, maintain the house & yard work, all without losing my mind in the process.  I remember one specific morning, I was beyond exhausted, but would not call out of work.  I simply decided to sleep in and go in later that morning.  When my son was leaving for school, he came in my room to give me a kiss and he asked me "are you going to work today?"  I answered "yes, why?" and he said "oh good because you're the only one that makes money in this house!"  Talk about pressure and sad that he even had to think that way.  Needless to say, I pushed so hard from that day forward because I knew my kids were watching me and I thank God for their resilience because it made life a whole lot easier.

I believe the past 10 years have been my greatest years because I was forcefully given the time to find and love myself; the greatest and most painful opportunity of my life.  I like to think I took advantage of these years as best as I could and I have tried my best to smile through it all.  I'm sure that broken heart allowed me to shed enough tears to last a lifetime and even though it's been 10 years, I still have my moments of sadness.  Most days are smooth sailing since it's been so long and I just push through those moments as best as I can when it does seem difficult.  God has revealed so much to me about myself through the years; I really am so much stronger than I ever realized.  The singer Pink has a song and there is a line that says "I wouldn't trade the pain for everything I've learned".  That is the honest truth.  I would have never met this new woman if it weren't for that life changing event.  Not everything that happens to us is bad; it just redirects our path and hopefully for something greater than we ever imagined.  It just doesn't seem that way when you're living it.

People are shocked that I am still single and I dislike when people ask me if I have a man.  Does it really matter?!  Being single is not the end of the world and I believe people could certainly benefit from "me time" if they allowed themselves to.  I apply the 80/20 rule with being single.  Although difficult at times, it does have its benefits - the 80% - I don't have to worry about anyone but myself, especially now that my kids are grown and on their own.  But, there are those moments - the 20% - that seem to come more often than not lately, where I just want to cry because I am just tired.  Tired of doing everything on my own and financially, it can be tough sometimes, but I am cognizant of my many blessings and try not to complain.

I'm not too fond of dating or whatever it is people do these days.  I don't do dating websites and I don't go out too often, which is probably why I'm still single, but oh well.  I have friends that have introduced me to their guy friends and I'm open to it, but it just hasn't worked out for me.  This part of my life tugs at my heart the most.  Is there someone for me?  I am very selective because I can be.  I've been given a second chance and want to make the best decision possible when it comes to my life and future.  The desire for companionship is strong and everyone tells me "you're going to find someone" and I believe it will happen when the time is right.  So for now, I am enjoying my life and everyone that crosses my path.  I view each person as an opportunity to learn from because everyone has something so unique and beautiful about themselves to share and that is what I enjoy most.  Everyone has a story to tell!  I also learned that not everyone is for you and some people we simply have to let go of and just love from a distance; another invaluable lesson.  But, I'm learning and a continued work in progress.

Surviving 10 years later is what I'm doing; traveling as often as possible and just living my best life.  Since there is no time limit on when things have to happen, I will continue to live and enjoy this season of my life because it really has been a blessing.  And if there is a man out there for me, then each day is a day closer to him finding me. And if I'm meant to remain single, then may I learn to fully accept this life as is and be the happiest me I can be.  Time will tell, but I will survive.

And then there were 3...

My daughter did something not many women do, she gave birth to 3 baby boys in less than 1 year.
Shocking? Yes, but she also knows the pain of having 2 miscarriages.  Her twins are her rainbow babies and I believe God gave them both back to her when the time was right and exactly how it was meant to be.  I am so excited to be a grandma again! One more little boy to steal my heart...

On March 23, 2018, my fraternal twin grandson's were born at 32 weeks 5 days gestation.  We thought she went into labor early because it was twins, but apparently, that was not the case.  Her 2nd pregnancy, a singleton, had a due date of April 9, 2019 and on March 4th came baby boy #3 at 34 weeks 6 days gestation.  My daughter is now among the women who are at risk of preterm labor.  Regardless of how early they arrived, we are so fortunate that all 3 boys were born strong and healthy with no major complications and grateful she was able to carry them to a safe point in their development to have such a favorable outcome with each boy.  By the way, my girl is a trooper; all natural delivery both times!  Not many women do that these days and to those that choose natural birth (no pain meds) or have no choice, I salute you!!  Child birth is no joke!!

I've always heard that the love you feel for your grandchildren is so different than any love you've ever experienced.  I can now say, that statement is so true.  I was a young mom; 19 when I gave birth to my daughter and 23 when I gave birth to my son.  Times were hard for us, but we made the best of it.  Hind sight is 20/20 and for me, loving my twin grandsons feels like a 2nd chance to be an even better grandmother.  I can't go more than 5 days without seeing them.  Their smiles, giggles and crying is everything to me.  Each time I see the twins, they're reaching another milestone and look so grown up.  It's hard to believe they were premies weighing 4 pounds at birth and now I have another premie to love.  Time truly does not wait for anyone, and I just pray that God grants me with many more healthy years to be able to love on my grand babies and watch them grow up.  Thanking God for my 5 gifts; Jasmine, Will, Mason, Dominic and Roman.  I am one blessed woman!  I am one blessed mom!  I am one blessed grandma!

It's my turn

For the past 25 years, I spent my life raising my 2 kids.  That idea of them turning 18 and you are no longer financially responsible for them is true, but as a parent, you continue to be there through it all, until forever...

That was all I knew, being a mom.  We love, nurture, guide and be there.  Now that they're grown, it's weird to see them make their own decisions and live their own lives.  In my eyes, they are still my babies (insert a tear drop here) and always will be.  This part of my life has been interesting; finding myself, my likes and dislikes, making new friends from such different walks of life and being allowed all the "me time" I could have ever dreamed of.  Many ebbs and flows along the way, but that's life and all a learning experience and part of my growth and journey.  However, it still feels strange to be able to live for me, JQ again.  It feels like I'm being selfish by putting myself first, but I have every right to do so.

One Sunday in church, I was speaking to a woman and told her about an upcoming event I had planned and how excited I was.  Her words hit home for me and I really needed to hear it.  It was simple, yet to the point.  She said "you've put in your time, now go live your life"!  Not that I wasn't "living" previously, it's just that my priorities were totally different.  Her words stayed with me for a few days and I realized, she's right.  As a wife and mother, they all came first, always.  At least that was how I saw it.  The marriage ended and the kids grew up and moved on.  Now what?!  It was a difficult transition, but I made it and I'm grateful that my kids and I actually have a cool and fun relationship and we stay in touch - like every day.  The things we talk about and how we spend our time together is really meaningful and I would not change a thing!

My life is so simple and I am happy, although I have struggled from time to time with accepting my single status.  As much as I desire and have prayed for a wonderful companion, I have learned to just love me and my new life.  Everything else will fall into place when it's time, I suppose.  As we all know, a relationship is work and too many are not willing to put in that type of work, so I just lay low and do what makes me happy.  I spend time with my kids, my grand babies, my girlfriends and the best time of all is when I spend time with me, JQ.  

Over the past few years, I have enjoyed reading all kinds of books.  I remember a time when I hated reading, now I'm joining book clubs with excitement!  If you allow yourself time to learn new ways to live, life will not be boring.  In fact, it will become so interesting that it will keep you hungry to find new adventures, but you have to be willing to step outside of the box and out of your own way.  Yes, I am a runner and that is now a huge part of my life and also my therapy, but it's not everything.  I recently began taking yoga classes at the gym I attend.  OMG, why have I waited so long to try a yoga class?!  That's what I meant about stepping outside of the box - Yoga is wonderful and it's also very good for your mind, body and soul.  I leave the gym feeling so relaxed and mentally strong!  Physically, I'm exhausted, but that's a good thing.  Even though I am an introvert, I have found that I love group workout sessions.  Maybe it's my competitiveness, I don't know.  Or, maybe it's the fact that there are other likeminded people that enjoy doing what I enjoy as well and we don't have to speak to each other.  I know that sounds weird, but as an introvert, too many people can be overwhelming sometimes.  I still love you all, I promise!

Since it's my turn to put me first, I intend to do just that.  Life is precious and short and I don't want to waste any of it. It's my turn to do it over.  It's my turn to live for me.  It's my turn...