One year later

It's amazing how much can change in one year.  Last year this time, my world was changed forever when I lost my mother to pancreatic cancer.  It hurt like hell and in the midst of a pandemic, it only made her transition worse.  No proper burial, no family gathering, no real closure, nothing.  Just me, my thoughts, the few friends that reached out, and the grief that followed.  Because of 2020 and its awful turn of events, this past year has been one of reflection and focus on self because life can be so unpredictable.

Perspective: the capacity to view things in their true relations or relative importance.

How we view life is totally up to us.  I believe my mother's death brought forth purpose and clarity.  It forced me to stop and tap into who and what was relevant in my life because I have spent so much of my life searching.  Searching for love, friends, acceptance, careers, etc.  I had an epiphany moment; everyone is replaceable, especially those people in our lives that are just taking up space.  I realized I needed to do better with giving too much of myself to things and people that no longer mattered.  The reality of this needed change just seeped in and pushed itself to the forefront of my life, when my mother's came to an end.  Her death was not in vain.

For years, I thought I needed to be in a relationship to make me feel whole, I thought I needed to have a lot of friends and this simply was because I was never truly on my own.  I went from living at home with my parents and siblings, to living with my own family and as life continued, each child grew their wings and moved out on their own, leaving the nest I created for them.  But, that is the cycle of life.  It wasn't a difficult transition because I knew it would happen, it was being "alone" that was a bit daunting.  The word itself can be daunting, but what I've learned this past year about being on my own and the freedom it provides have been liberating!        

Alone + Freedom + Peace =  A magical combination that I have finally embraced!  My only regret is wishing I had made this connection sooner, but as they say, it's never too late.  Seeing how quickly my mother's life came to an end, it jolted me into my reality and how beautiful it truly is.  It's sad that tragedy forces us to focus on perspective, but like I said, my mother's death was not in vain. 

FREEDOM - JQ has arrived!!  In mid 2020, I made a decision to set goals and timelines to accomplish a few things that I thought I would never achieve.  2020 showed me that often times, less is more, so my 2021 goals have not seemed difficult to focus on thus far.  For the first time, in a long time, I feel so accomplished, disciplined, and focused.  I am seeing the progress and the weight that I removed has also helped my grieving process.  I know life will never be the same without my mother, but it doesn't mean life is going to be bad, just different.  Again, this is my perspective and how I am coping with the loss of my mother.  I am still here on this earth for a purpose and I just want to be around people that matter, people that I love, and people that reciprocate that love, peace, and kindness. 

Tomorrow, April 6th, is one year since I lost my mother and most days I am well.  There are those few days that I actually want to grab my phone and dial her, then I realize I can't.  Oh the sting that I feel when that happens.  I wish she could be here enjoying her great grandchildren with me, but that was not part of her journey.  It does make me sad that she is gone, but that sadness and reality of her untimely death snap me back into the fact that I am still here.  I still have the ability to be free, to love, to live, to give, and to hope for an even better tomorrow.  I simply just don't want to waste time anymore; I've done enough of that already.

This is how I live now and I am putting myself first unselfishly.  I have lived for everyone else for so long and it feels damn good to live for me, JQ again!  

Mami, I love and miss you dearly.  You did the best job you could with me and I will carry your sweet spirit in me and pray a part of you can live on through me.   

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