I've lived through some pretty painful/life changing events in my time and this year wasn't much different. Or was it?
I typically spend the last few days of every year reflecting and tonight, I'm doing it again. But, what's different?
To anyone who has lost a loved one or parent, you know the lesson that teaches. Death is final and there is no "ok, I take it back" or "I'm sorry, do you forgive me?" It is literally "it is what it is" and we need to figure out how to move on with how it ended because there is no going back. While I grieved my divorce many years ago, the grief of losing my mother was so different even though the pain felt the same.
Divorce taught me to find myself and to literally learn to love "me" again. While painful, it was the best journey I have traveled thus far. I have learned to use tools and become a Ms. Fix-It in my own home. It's been really fun counting on myself and more importantly, being able to work on my home both physically and financially. It has given me a great sense of freedom and the peace that comes with that is undeniably wonderful!
Losing my mother taught me another invaluable lesson and that is...life is short! As quickly as my mother transitioned, it was a slap in my face to wake up and live! I, as many others, have spent time wondering about a "him" or the "what ifs" of life, but no more. I feel as though I took the bull by the horns and made necessary changes in how I was living; the pandemic also helped direct me. For one, I needed some alone time to grieve freely without being fake and without anyone asking me "what's wrong?" or "are you ok?" And two, I needed to know that I was strong enough to deal with this loss/grief. I did speak to a grief counselor that was provided to me through Agape Hospice because I knew I couldn't do it all completely alone, but I felt I dealt with my mother's passing as best as I could without falling apart. After all, death is an unfortunate part of life that we will all endure at some point. If I'm honest, I still can't believe my mother is gone, but it is my reality and what I am learning to live with. The greatest lesson I learned is that our time on this earth is limited; spend it wisely with people that value and appreciate you. If you don't think you have anyone, then spend time with yourself; you can't go wrong!
The pandemic or COVID-19 was another wake up call. I do believe the virus is real although others continue to say it's a hoax. My father tested positive and almost died after a serious bout with pneumonia, but thankfully, he survived which is not the result many other families experienced. My heart breaks for those who lost their loved ones during this pandemic; I know the feeling and understand that pain very well. Being an introvert, quarantining was not difficult. In fact, for me, it was needed so I am not mad at all. Others are angry because they have to wear a mask or can't travel freely. Me, I'm just thankful I'm alive, well, and still employed. I am simply grateful for life and where I am today despite what I have endured this year and in life in general.
I have tried to write throughout the year, but nothing came to me even though I had so much to say. Tonight, the keyboard strokes came to me and although this is not one of my best blogs, it did feel good to write something again and it came from my heart.
2020, you could have destroyed me, but you didn't. The year of clear vision was just that - a wake up call to what I lived through and continue to see. I am hopeful this pandemic will be under control sooner than later so we can resume our normal lives again; whatever that means.
I'm living.
I'm happy.
I'm grateful.
If you took the time to read this, thank you from my soul. It means more than you know...
Happy New Year from JQ!
#jqblogs
#welcoming2021
