A letter to my mother

Dear Mami,

I don't even know where to begin; this feels surreal.  The grief that I am feeling is horrible, but as long as you're not suffering, I can learn to live with this.

As a little girl, I didn't think about the day you would pass away or how.  I just lived knowing you were here, alive, and well.  As life unfolded, I lived through a sexual assault and I know you suffered with me.  I remember how you cried and tried to love me in your own way, but I was angry at the world and didn't want to receive it.  Those were tough years for us because you were also having issues with daddy and your marriage eventually failed due to his infidelity.  I saw you suffer, cry, and live through it, but I couldn't understand your pain then.  I was just happy to see daddy go because he was the source of your pain.  After that, you stayed in New York and cared for me, your youngest, until I was 17 years old.  But, your children were grown and we were making our own life decisions so there really wasn't anything left for you to do here.  You lived in New York for over 30 years, so far away from your family in Colombia, so going back home to be with your mother, siblings, and girlfriends really was best for you.  However, I didn't see that then, I just remember the pain of you leaving me, but I wasn't going to Colombia either (I was always so stubborn).

When I relocated to South Carolina years later, I remember you coming to visit me when Willie was born and again when my husband (at the time) left for the police academy.  You stayed for 3 months to help me because this is what brought you joy; helping others.  You planted a tree in my front yard on Blossom Street on that visit and I'm sure I will drive by and look at it from time to time to remind me of the small piece of you left here in Goose Creek.  The beautiful memories I have of you and my children are everywhere and I'm so grateful I have pictures of you with your great grandchildren.  Thankfully, I have tons of pictures and a few videos to reflect on when I begin to miss you.  Like I said earlier, this still feels surreal.

Mami, the one thing that brings me joy is that you were living life again for YOU!  When I visited you in Colombia, I witnessed your relationship and I thought it was so beautiful.  You got to travel and spend time with your mom, your family, and live life for you again.  You deserved that!  Unfortunately, what brought us closer again after years of being apart was the end of my marriage.  You lived through your divorce and then you were able to help me through my mine from afar.  You called me and cried your heart out because again, you were suffering with me.  When I had my hysterectomy, you came to care for me for about 3 weeks.  We were able to sit and talk about life, but because I was so angry at the world, I didn't want to hear anything.  You did leave me with a bit of advice that I really think helped me and I thank you.  

I know you cared Mami, I'm realizing it even more now that you're gone.  I took advantage of knowing you were alive and well in Colombia that I didn't take advantage of calling or visiting more often and for that I am truly sorry.  There is no turning back the hands of time and this is a huge lesson I will have to live with.  I just pray this lesson will make me a better mother to my kids and grandkids and a better friend and relative going forward.

God is so mysterious in His ways.  In September 2019, my Tia Gloria, daddy, and you went on a road trip after your cruise out of Miami.  I was so happy you all got to travel and make your way up to me to spend the day in my home.  You got to meet my youngest grandson, your great grandson Roman and Jasmine got to see you one last time.  We all thought that trip was for daddy, but it was actually for you.  You were already sick with cancer; we just didn't have a clue.  I am forever grateful for that evening in my house.

On Monday February 10th, 2020, you received the news from your doctor in Colombia indicating they saw a tumor on your pancreas and lesions on your liver which they said was pancreatic cancer.  I never saw this coming and I am sure you were just as shocked!  I knew and felt in my gut that I needed to see you once you arrived in New York.  The week that I got to spend with you was the biggest blessing I received.  I hope it was for you as well.  You made me sopita (soup) and you even served me, but I allowed you to serve me because I knew at some point the cancer would take away your independence, and it did.  I got to see you in your healthiest state before the cancer progressed and my memory of that trip is what I will hold on to.  

On Monday April 6th, you passed away from this dreadful disease just 2 months after being diagnosed.  COVID-19 didn't make things any easier.  You had to be kept in isolation, far away from everyone and I am sure that was extremely difficult for you.  Everything happened so much faster than I imagined, but the silver lining for me is that God was gracious by informing us this was coming and granted us with a little bit of time.  I was able to apologize for all the wrong I did and I know you forgive me because that is who you are. In the end, I was able to care for you and feed you because you could no longer feed yourself and I helped change your diaper because the cancer came on with a vengeance.  I was so naive to think that knowing you were terminal with cancer would make your transition easier, but I was so wrong.  Nothing in the world can prepare you to lose your mother, nothing!

I will miss you so much and promise to always remember the good because it was there.  I love you, Mami.  I always have and I always will.  Please watch over me, walk with me, and know I am trying my best to cope and move forward, but this pain is far more difficult than I ever imagined.  Rest easy, Mami...

Maria "Elvia" Quintero 

8/27/1944 - 4/6/2020