Dear 2020

 

I couldn't resist using this 🤣

I've lived through some pretty painful/life changing events in my time and this year wasn't much different.  Or was it?

I typically spend the last few days of every year reflecting and tonight, I'm doing it again.  But, what's different?  

To anyone who has lost a loved one or parent, you know the lesson that teaches.  Death is final and there is no "ok, I take it back" or "I'm sorry, do you forgive me?"  It is literally "it is what it is" and we need to figure out how to move on with how it ended because there is no going back.  While I grieved my divorce many years ago, the grief of losing my mother was so different even though the pain felt the same.   

Divorce taught me to find myself and to literally learn to love "me" again.  While painful, it was the best journey I have traveled thus far.  I have learned to use tools and become a Ms. Fix-It in my own home.  It's been really fun counting on myself and more importantly, being able to work on my home both physically and financially.  It has given me a great sense of freedom and the peace that comes with that is undeniably wonderful!

Losing my mother taught me another invaluable lesson and that is...life is short!  As quickly as my mother transitioned, it was a slap in my face to wake up and live!  I, as many others, have spent time wondering about a "him" or the "what ifs" of life, but no more.  I feel as though I took the bull by the horns and made necessary changes in how I was living; the pandemic also helped direct me.  For one, I needed some alone time to grieve freely without being fake and without anyone asking me "what's wrong?" or "are you ok?"  And two, I needed to know that I was strong enough to deal with this loss/grief.  I did speak to a grief counselor that was provided to me through Agape Hospice because I knew I couldn't do it all completely alone, but I felt I dealt with my mother's passing as best as I could without falling apart.  After all, death is an unfortunate part of life that we will all endure at some point.  If I'm honest, I still can't believe my mother is gone, but it is my reality and what I am learning to live with.  The greatest lesson I learned is that our time on this earth is limited; spend it wisely with people that value and appreciate you.  If you don't think you have anyone, then spend time with yourself; you can't go wrong!  

The pandemic or COVID-19 was another wake up call.  I do believe the virus is real although others continue to say it's a hoax.  My father tested positive and almost died after a serious bout with pneumonia, but thankfully, he survived which is not the result many other families experienced.  My heart breaks for those who lost their loved ones during this pandemic; I know the feeling and understand that pain very well.  Being an introvert, quarantining was not difficult.  In fact, for me, it was needed so I am not mad at all.  Others are angry because they have to wear a mask or can't travel freely.  Me, I'm just thankful I'm alive, well, and still employed.  I am simply grateful for life and where I am today despite what I have endured this year and in life in general.  

I have tried to write throughout the year, but nothing came to me even though I had so much to say.  Tonight, the keyboard strokes came to me and although this is not one of my best blogs, it did feel good to write something again and it came from my heart.  

2020, you could have destroyed me, but you didn't.  The year of clear vision was just that - a wake up call to what I lived through and continue to see.  I am hopeful this pandemic will be under control sooner than later so we can resume our normal lives again; whatever that means.  

I'm living.  

I'm happy.  

I'm grateful.

If you took the time to read this, thank you from my soul.  It means more than you know...

Happy New Year from JQ!

#jqblogs 

#welcoming2021

       

A letter to my mother

Dear Mami,

I don't even know where to begin; this feels surreal.  The grief that I am feeling is horrible, but as long as you're not suffering, I can learn to live with this.

As a little girl, I didn't think about the day you would pass away or how.  I just lived knowing you were here, alive, and well.  As life unfolded, I lived through a sexual assault and I know you suffered with me.  I remember how you cried and tried to love me in your own way, but I was angry at the world and didn't want to receive it.  Those were tough years for us because you were also having issues with daddy and your marriage eventually failed due to his infidelity.  I saw you suffer, cry, and live through it, but I couldn't understand your pain then.  I was just happy to see daddy go because he was the source of your pain.  After that, you stayed in New York and cared for me, your youngest, until I was 17 years old.  But, your children were grown and we were making our own life decisions so there really wasn't anything left for you to do here.  You lived in New York for over 30 years, so far away from your family in Colombia, so going back home to be with your mother, siblings, and girlfriends really was best for you.  However, I didn't see that then, I just remember the pain of you leaving me, but I wasn't going to Colombia either (I was always so stubborn).

When I relocated to South Carolina years later, I remember you coming to visit me when Willie was born and again when my husband (at the time) left for the police academy.  You stayed for 3 months to help me because this is what brought you joy; helping others.  You planted a tree in my front yard on Blossom Street on that visit and I'm sure I will drive by and look at it from time to time to remind me of the small piece of you left here in Goose Creek.  The beautiful memories I have of you and my children are everywhere and I'm so grateful I have pictures of you with your great grandchildren.  Thankfully, I have tons of pictures and a few videos to reflect on when I begin to miss you.  Like I said earlier, this still feels surreal.

Mami, the one thing that brings me joy is that you were living life again for YOU!  When I visited you in Colombia, I witnessed your relationship and I thought it was so beautiful.  You got to travel and spend time with your mom, your family, and live life for you again.  You deserved that!  Unfortunately, what brought us closer again after years of being apart was the end of my marriage.  You lived through your divorce and then you were able to help me through my mine from afar.  You called me and cried your heart out because again, you were suffering with me.  When I had my hysterectomy, you came to care for me for about 3 weeks.  We were able to sit and talk about life, but because I was so angry at the world, I didn't want to hear anything.  You did leave me with a bit of advice that I really think helped me and I thank you.  

I know you cared Mami, I'm realizing it even more now that you're gone.  I took advantage of knowing you were alive and well in Colombia that I didn't take advantage of calling or visiting more often and for that I am truly sorry.  There is no turning back the hands of time and this is a huge lesson I will have to live with.  I just pray this lesson will make me a better mother to my kids and grandkids and a better friend and relative going forward.

God is so mysterious in His ways.  In September 2019, my Tia Gloria, daddy, and you went on a road trip after your cruise out of Miami.  I was so happy you all got to travel and make your way up to me to spend the day in my home.  You got to meet my youngest grandson, your great grandson Roman and Jasmine got to see you one last time.  We all thought that trip was for daddy, but it was actually for you.  You were already sick with cancer; we just didn't have a clue.  I am forever grateful for that evening in my house.

On Monday February 10th, 2020, you received the news from your doctor in Colombia indicating they saw a tumor on your pancreas and lesions on your liver which they said was pancreatic cancer.  I never saw this coming and I am sure you were just as shocked!  I knew and felt in my gut that I needed to see you once you arrived in New York.  The week that I got to spend with you was the biggest blessing I received.  I hope it was for you as well.  You made me sopita (soup) and you even served me, but I allowed you to serve me because I knew at some point the cancer would take away your independence, and it did.  I got to see you in your healthiest state before the cancer progressed and my memory of that trip is what I will hold on to.  

On Monday April 6th, you passed away from this dreadful disease just 2 months after being diagnosed.  COVID-19 didn't make things any easier.  You had to be kept in isolation, far away from everyone and I am sure that was extremely difficult for you.  Everything happened so much faster than I imagined, but the silver lining for me is that God was gracious by informing us this was coming and granted us with a little bit of time.  I was able to apologize for all the wrong I did and I know you forgive me because that is who you are. In the end, I was able to care for you and feed you because you could no longer feed yourself and I helped change your diaper because the cancer came on with a vengeance.  I was so naive to think that knowing you were terminal with cancer would make your transition easier, but I was so wrong.  Nothing in the world can prepare you to lose your mother, nothing!

I will miss you so much and promise to always remember the good because it was there.  I love you, Mami.  I always have and I always will.  Please watch over me, walk with me, and know I am trying my best to cope and move forward, but this pain is far more difficult than I ever imagined.  Rest easy, Mami...

Maria "Elvia" Quintero 

8/27/1944 - 4/6/2020

Life Lessons in 2020

This new decade certainly is not starting off how anyone could have imagined.  For me, it's been rough and this morning when I woke up I received that gentle reminder; life can change in the blink of an eye!  Coming into the new year/decade, I was excited with great expectation (still am) and hopeful to see what God has in store for me and my family (again, still am).  But my goodness, how this began is sad and crazy; illness, disease, and death.  However, I rebuke this!

On Saturday February 1st, my daughter thought she had food poisoning and based on what she explained, I went along with it.  She needed help taking care of her boys, my 3 grandsons, so I headed over to help my daughter in need.  I always have the absolute best time with my 3 lil guys so it really was no big deal for me.  It was again, another wonderful adventure at the Greer house.  My daughter slept most of the day and when her husband returned home, I headed home to relax because those boys wore me out!!  The following day, I went about my normal routine and everything was fine.  Later that night, my daughter sent me a text saying Dominic was now vomiting so this probably wasn't food poisoning...Oh crap!  Within an hour of her texting me, my stomach began doing flips.  Instead of panicking, I just went to sleep.  I tossed and turned the whole night because my stomach was cramping, but nothing was happening.  My alarm went off at 7am and then it began.  It was coming out of both ends for 2 days and needless to say, I was weak and couldn't work for 3 days even though I work from home.  I had enough energy to walk to my couch just so I could get out of my bed.  Like most viruses, it ran its course and I was better by the weekend.

On Saturday February 8th, I called my mom in Colombia to say hello and towards the end of the conversation, she informed me she had not been feeling well and was pending some test results.  All she said was they found something on her pancreas.  My reaction was "oh shit."  It was a somber weekend for me since I was still recovering from being sick and then she dropped that on me.  On Monday February 10th, my siblings and I received the text that would change our lives; mom has pancreatic cancer and there are lesions on her liver, which means it spread.  I can't even begin to tell you what I felt or thought in that moment, but since I work from home, I was able to walk around restlessly and pray out loud, but I didn't cry, it just wouldn't come out.  I called my co-worker because I had to talk to someone in that moment.  My sister Gloria called me shortly after and we talked for a while, but I still didn't cry.  After we spoke, I finished my workday and did the best I could with limited focus on my work.  Later that evening, after some quiet time, I called my friend Thomas.  He met my mother 9 years ago so I knew of all the man friends I had, he could understand the best.  I finally sobbed on the phone and he just listened.  That was exactly what I needed, someone to just listen and allow me to vent and cry until I could not anymore.  He then spoke to me and comforted me from afar, but I felt his love.

On Wednesday March 4th, (my youngest grandsons 1st birthday) a week after my mothers biopsy, the results came in and they were bad.  My moms cancer is terminal.  Chemo could buy some time, but quality of life would be impacted.  The 2nd opinion results came back on Monday March 9th; same thing except the PET scan revealed the cancer spread to her lungs.  In just 4 weeks, this vicious disease has been eating away at my mother and there is nothing we can do.  I did go to NY and spent some time with her that I am so much more grateful for now, but living in SC it's difficult to receive this news and feel helpless because there is nothing I can do from here.  Now, the Corona virus is a pandemic making travel difficult.  Sadly, my mother wanted to go back to Colombia, but while waiting for answers, Colombia has now closed their borders until May 30th.  Will my mother live until then to make it back home?  I believe in my heart, that is where she wants to be, but until this Corona virus is contained and we "flatten the curve," we will not know what her final days will be like or where she will be.  For now, she is in NY with my sister and the millions who are home in quarantine.  Will I make it back to see her one last time?  Only God knows the answer.

The wisdom nuggets I have taken away from the rush of tragic life events are many.  I am filled with emotions, but I'm trying to remain focused on the good.  If not, I could easily lose my mind.  I saw this floating around a few days ago on social media and I absolutely loved it!  Read it and receive this message, please.  It is deep on so many levels.  I am an introvert so this self quarantine I'm practicing is not really much of a change for me.  My son is home now so his company has been nice.  I do pray that whatever change needs to take place within my heart and everyone else in the world, happens.  God is not allowing all of this to happen just because.  Something good can and will come from this unfortunate pandemic.  The one thing that I am struggling with is the social distancing.  I am a physical touch type of person so not being able to give or receive hugs is the hardest part for me. However, I know it's best for now to keep everyone as safe as possible.

My son, like many other college students, had to come back home since his campus closed.  He also lost his job on campus due to this unfortunate situation so that is hurting him financially.  He was able to transfer back to the Publix here to maintain some sort of income.  However, he is voluntarily putting himself (and me) at risk by serving his community to earn his paycheck.  There are so many individuals in his shoes trying to work to keep sane, earn money, and just survive.  I truly salute anyone working to serve their community, but above all, our healthcare professionals.  The images of panic and death due to this outbreak will stay with them long after this is all over.  I pray for their mental sanity and may they all be protected and filled with peace to get them through these times of uncertainty.

Let's be smart and proactive in working together to create a better world for everyone.  Stay home.  Wash your hands.  Be kind.  Spread LOVE...💜 and let's #flattenthecurve.  We have to beat this pandemic, we have to!!