I am a sexual assault SURVIVOR!

September 8, 1989...It's hard to believe that it's been 30 years since I lived through that dreadful day.  Life has been everything you can imagine since then, but the main thing is...I SURVIVED!

Below is a post I shared on Facebook last year; 29 years after my assault.  It's difficult to explain how a persons life is impacted by such a despicable act because it is impacted in ways you would never imagine. But with strength, perseverance, and the grace of God, life does go on!  Sharing my story is my therapy and I don't mind speaking my truth.  I know I helped a few women the very day I posted my story because they reached out to me privately telling me they never told anyone, but thankfully they felt comfortable enough to reach out to me.  The joy I felt in knowing that my brutal and painful honesty helped someone speak their truth for the first time is immeasurable.  What makes me sad is that they had to live with that secret all this time.  That leads me to wonder, how many other women (and men) are walking around with such dark, painful secrets?!

A 14 year old girl is walking home from her 1st day of high school. A stranger pulls up to the curb and asks politely “excuse me, what time is it?” she replies “it’s 2:30” and he replies with “I have a gun get in the car”. She panics, freezes and gets in the car. He takes her to a park and makes her perform oral sex on him. That’s not enough, so he takes her to a hotel nearby. For the next few hours he holds her captive and forces her to perform sexual acts on him and he doesn’t use a condom either. Once he’s satisfied, he drives her home, but drives past her house to make sure he knows where she lives because he warns her not to tell anyone. 

She gets home and tells her family. The police are called and paramedics arrive. She is taken to the hospital for an evaluation and has her first gynecological exam. Several doctors walking in and out and she has to repeat her story over and over and over again. She’s finally released and goes home. The next morning she wakes up vomiting and her cycle begins, but she’s home safe and she’s not pregnant.

Investigators begin calling each day for information. She goes in to meet with them and the first thing they question her about is “do you know him?" “Do you have history with him?" But she’s never seen him before. Then they ask her parents “is she a liar?" She feels so humiliated and ANGRY! They leave after it’s over. 

The rapist is caught and arrested; time to prepare for the grand jury. An ADA is assigned, more questions, same answers. The grand jury asks questions and she answers. They have enough evidence and determine this case should go to trial. 

2 long years later, she’s now 16 years old and a trial date is set; again, first day of school. However, there was no sleep the night before. She is terrified. Sick. Anxious. She makes it to the courthouse with her family for support, but she waits in another room, away from everyone. Her body is trembling, she has never been so nervous in all her life. She is about to tell her horror story to a bunch of strangers while sitting in front of her rapist, seeing him again for the first time since the assault.  

Questions come one after the other by both attorneys. She answers them all staring straight ahead while trying to hide behind the judge’s desk to avoid eye contact with him. Then, the one question she dreaded is asked “is the offender in this room today?" She answers “yes” and leans over, points to him, and stares him in the eye, but he turns away. After a few days, he is found guilty! Turns out, he assaulted 3-4 other ladies and they came forward after this young lady came forward. Never did she realize it, but she put an end to his sickness of raping women. It only takes one person to come forward, to put an end to a rapist and that brave young lady did it. 

Life continued for her, but she was never the same...

Ladies and gentleman, this is what I lived through!  I know this affected my family, but how deep, I will never know.  This was not something we ever talked about and even today, it's like walking on eggshells.  I don't mind talking about it, especially if I know it will help someone.  What I do dislike very much, is when I have shared my story and people ask me "why did you get in the car?"  Please know, I suffered the consequence of not fighting back or screaming for help.  I was 14 years old, terrified and shocked at was actually happening.  I can't turn back the hands of time or change anything about that day, but I am grateful that I am here to share my survivor story.  I have learned to just channel that pain into something positive to share with anyone who chooses to listen.  It's all a part of my healing, my journey and perhaps that is God's answer to my question "why did this have to happen to me?"   

Today, 30 years later, I am a very happy woman.  I have had to endure much in life, but I honestly would not change a thing.  Every knock down has afforded me the opportunity to stand back up stronger than the previous time.  When I share my story I often get "I would have never known that happened to you" or something along those lines.  I am beyond grateful for the people that loved and supported me during those difficult years.  I know that is why I was able to get through it all and live a normal life.  However, the affects of that assault are permanent scars I live with and when my instinct tells me something is not right, I have learned to react quickly.  It's weird, my heart races, my palms get sweaty, and my stomach hurts in a way I can't describe.  It's a horrifying, nauseating feeling that reminds me of that nightmare I lived through.  Is it my mind playing tricks on me?  I don't think so, but I listen to my senses and act accordingly as fast as I can.  I don't know if I could live through another assault and I pray for God's protection over me EVERY SINGLE DAY!    

Just recently, people have been telling me that I'm glowing or that I look happy.  After all I've lived through, it's nice that people see something positive when they see me.  Life is good and I am making a conscious decision to stay in good head space.  As the image above states, "You've mastered survival mode.  Now it's time to live."  People are dying every day and yes, my day will come too.  But today, I am here feeling young and vibrant!  I want to enjoy my adult kids and of course my grandchildren.  The joy they bring me is indescribable and I love them all dearly.  I'm grateful I don't dwell on the past, but rather focus on the present moments and make beautiful memories while I can. However, at this time of year, seeing all of the first day of school pictures everyone shares, does take me back to that day.  I bounce back quicker every year and realize it's just a passing moment.  I'm human and I allow myself to feel whatever emotion may come to get myself through it.  Sometimes I cry, sometime I don't.     

 "You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them." Maya Angelou

I'm hopeful that after sharing my story, this would encourage at least one woman.  May you no longer blame yourself.  May this free you from any guilt you still carry because life is precious and very short and may you realize this was not your fault and you are worthy of a life worth living... 

                                            #jqblogs #jqlives #jqisasurvivor

Stepping out of my comfort zone!

It started out as a regular Tuesday.  It was an "in office" day so I decided to go out for a run to get my day started.  Came home, showered, ate breakfast and left for work.  Sadly, I got some not so good news once I arrived; it seems I can't win, but I won't let it stop me.  I decided in that moment I would not allow that news to get me down.  I'm tired of allowing circumstances to dictate how I should feel.  Instead, I worked through my day with a smile, keeping to myself as usual and ended the day talking about my trip to Barbados and laughing up a storm with a dear friend and co-worker.

As I was leaving work, instead of going West on I-26, I decided I would go East and head downtown for dinner.  I've read good reviews of a place called Cane Rhum Bar and it truly lived up to those reviews!  First, I had to parallel park and I got in, in one shot!!  Haha, that's huge for me since I never have to parallel park.  Once inside, I decided to sit at the bar.  If you know me, you would know, this is totally outside of my norm, but a friend recently told me, if you want to meet new people, you've got to step outside of your comfort zone and try new things.  And today, I did just that.  

The bartenders were extremely friendly and very welcoming since it was my first time.  I ordered the Rum Punch and Beef Empanadas which were spicy, but delicious.  It reminded me of the Bajan food I ate just a few weeks ago.  The owner is Bajan which is what inspired this Rum Bar and of course what caught my attention to visit.

The vibe, music and overall atmosphere was everything I needed tonight.  I'm so glad I made the choice not only to be happy enjoying my own company, but to step out of my comfort zone as well.  After a few minutes, a gentleman by the name of Derrick sat next to me.  He was friendly and he knew one of the bartenders, Amita.  We talked for a good while about the bar and other places in town.  I learned a lot in such a short period of time about other establishments to visit.  The conversation got so interesting, another bartender came over and poured us all some shots and I believe he called it the "pink velvet."  Needless to say, I took a sip, but wouldn't dare finish it.  Although it was tasty, it was also fire down my throat!  All the guys enjoyed their shot, but I just watched, smiled and enjoyed the moment.  

I also met a couple from Ohio who visits the Charleston area often.  They're considering retiring here and said they love to visit the Cane Rhum Bar when in town.  Her drink for the evening was the Pain Killer, which looked delicious.  Next time I go, that will be the drink I order!  That conversation was interesting and jumped all over the place.  I ended up sharing photos of my grand babies and she turned out to be a twin herself! It was so nice meeting new friendly faces and talking about such random things.  I actually felt like a tourist in my own city for 90 minutes; that's how much time I had on my meter!  Once time was up, the bartenders all said goodnight and Amita, told me where to be Sunday evening.  I hope to check that place out and see what it's all about.  With all of that said, I'm choosing to simply live a life worth living!  

My message to you...step outside of your comfort zone and don't be afraid to try new things and meet new people.  I've spent too many days and nights upset, scared, and doubtful, but I'm making a conscious decision to be happy regardless of what's going on around me.  Life is too short and I don't want any regrets.  So, live and find your happy place...you never know who you'll meet or what you'll learn in the process.

#jqblogs

Barbados 2019

One day, Monique asked me if I wanted to go for a run after work and I figured sure, why not!  Albeit shy, I am a talker when I'm comfortable with someone.  I mentioned that I wanted to go on a vacation, but needed a travel buddy.  Little did I know, that day would be the start of planning this Caribbean vacation.  Folks, don't pass up invites from your friends; you never know what will come of that outing 😉 It all happened so fast!  We discussed our budget, selected a few islands and I began the search to see which would best meet our criteria.  Before I knew it, we selected Barbados, booked the flights and hotel and just had to wait for July 29th to arrive!

When I tell you this was the most fun-filled, yet relaxing vacation I've taken, it's almost indescribable.  The best part, of course, was eating and drinking to our hearts content.  I believe I was intoxicated for 5 days, no lie and diets were out the window because we knew upon arrival back to the US, it was back to training mode for our upcoming race season!  While I cannot write about every detail of our 5 days on the island, I will try my best to highlight what I thought were the best parts...here we go!

While we waited for our room to be ready, we took full advantage of the "all inclusive" package.  Rum Punch was quite strong, but we didn't care, we were on vacation!  The beach was so beautiful so we took advantage of the moment and began capturing our memories.

The view from our hotel balcony was breathtaking!  As soon as we walked into the room we were in awe of the beauty outside of those doors!  The sounds of the waves crashing was so peaceful and soothing.  I woke up early one morning and just sat out there admiring the beauty and acknowledging my blessing; it was magical!

Pebbles Beach is where you can find the race horses bathing in the ocean at sunrise.  They say the salt water is very good for their muscles.  The horses were beautiful as they arrived one by one.  The horse handlers were all so friendly as a few bystanders watched and waited for photo opportunities.  It was a very tranquil experience and I highly recommend it.  Our cab driver, Anderson laughed at us.  He said he never heard of anyone waking up so early to see horses.  I didn't care, I was determined to take advantage of everything during my stay.

Friends just enjoying and celebrating life and capturing the beauty in the moments...

The Hobie was awesome and included as part of our hotels water activities.  It was so much fun, we did it twice!  It's amazing how some wind and a piece of material and plastic can be turned into something so enjoyable.  So glad we decided to go out for a ride on the clear blue waters because the knowledge this man dropped on us as we sailed is something I will not forget.  He was real, genuine and very kind hearted.

The Mount Gay Rum Tour was awesome!  We purchased tickets on Trip Advisor a week prior to leaving for our trip, but failed to call for tour times.  Fortunately, our cab driver friend Anderson phoned us about the last tour leaving at 2:30pm, but it was 2:10 and we were still getting ready and our hotel was 30 minutes away!  Monique quickly called the Mount Gay distillery and told them what happened and they said to come over and we would just join the tour where they were and that is exactly what happened.  We arrived as she was serving the first round of Rum shots!  At the end of the tour, this beautiful young lady pictured above, took us through the tour in reverse so we didn't miss a thing, including more alcohol!  This tour was only $20 per person and worth it.  So, if you visit the island, make sure you visit the Mount Gay Rum distillery.  I promise you, you will leave there feeling wonderful!!  Thankfully, I didn't embarrass Monique or myself.

The Catamaran snorkel cruise is a must!  It's a 5 hour cruise up the coast and includes hotel pick up and drop off, lunch and unlimited alcohol for $85 per person.  There is also a limited number of people per sailing for a more intimate adventure.  The crew was made up of 2 gentleman and they were funny and very attentive.  Fortunately, the weather was absolutely perfect for sailing all day long.  Our first stop was swimming with the sea turtles!  There were only 2 turtles swimming around us, but they were absolutely beautiful and harmless.  The next stop was further up the coast to see the ship wreck and coral reef.  It's amazing how beautiful coral reef is and all the different color fish that live in the ocean were just mesmerizing.  After lunch, we dropped anchor, swam to shore and saw some flying fish while making new friends; a few from Bermuda and others from Australia.  Once we swam back to the catamaran, we grabbed some beers and everyone sat together enjoying the ride back while listening to reggae music along the way.   This is why I love to travel the world; you are exposed to all different walks of life.

As pavement sisters, we had to be sure we ran the streets of Barbados and 3 miles were done!  It was HOT, but we got it done on the St. Lawrence Gap!

We purchased an island tour and it was another 5 hour day, but it brought us here and pictures do not do it justice.  This is the northern most point of the island and the view was unlike anything I've ever seen.  We walked around and took in the moment and the beauty of the island.

You have to visit the island for yourself to truly appreciate the beauty of Barbados...

The sunsets were absolutely amazing and we made sure to enjoy every minute of every day on our girls trip to Barbados!!!  The people were absolutely wonderful and the food was delicious, lots of curry.  Barbados owes me nothing!!  And, I am truly grateful to have been able to take this trip with such a dear friend.  There are no words to describe how grateful I am that you joined me, Monique.

Until the next adventure.....#jqtravels